The Taylors' Front Porch
Pull up a chair! Have a sit-down an' shoot the breeze with us. Later on, maybe we'll go down to the drugstore to get a bottle of pop .  .  . maybe see what's showin' at the Grand .  .  .  . What you gonna do tonight, Barn?

August 06, 2020 - Msg 115067:
Hello all! Tonight's episode was about the kleptomenerac, with Floyd's famous line of "Everything is OK in Mayberry!" Guest of Honor is up there on my favorite list! :)
More good stories, I love it. ASA-- funny what your dad did, especially with the other side one big bruise! I bruise easily because of coumadin, and after my hip replacement in 2017, it was pretty similar because of the way they have to move the leg around, etc. Bruised from the hip down to my foot!
Funny how we all have various ideas of heaven. I do know that the Bible describes heaven as indeed a place, even giving it dimensions,
etc. If you have never read Rev. 21:10-27, give it a look-see. I've often wondered if we will be able to "go back' and look at our childhood years, etc, or if there would even be any desire to do so. I do hope that our former pets will be there tho.
Darn, I just had a story in mind, but it went out of my mind just that fast! ha
Wonder why it does that? I did think of a short one however. The last year of my dad's life when he was in the group home he had to start wearing depends-type underwear. I bought a pack of the generic kind that were white, and oh my, he very strongly said that he "wasn't gonna wear no diapers!!" So the next day I came with Depends brand that were gray in color. He had no problem at all, and put 'em right on. The only thing I can figure is that because he alwys wore boxers, the gray Depends looked more like boxers than the white ones!
Our gyms are going to re-open on Tuesday! I am looking forward to that. I will be careful,
but it will save me a trip to Salt Lake City! haha

August 06, 2020 - Msg 115068:

After BOO's story, I thought I would clean and sanitize the porch for y'all! :)

August 06, 2020 - Msg 115069: Iíve been trying to think of more funny stories but it seems like most stories that I know that are really funny or not really appropriate for the porch. Also, I think after 18 years, Uve told all my stories. Lol 😂

Iím enjoying reading them, though.


August 06, 2020 - Msg 115070:

Good point BOO! ha Oh, I forgot to mention above that my dad
always wore various colors of boxers. That will make it make more sense.

August 06, 2020 - Msg 115071: Good morning to all.
I thought I had better check in before someone sent Barney and Gomer out to look for me (we all know how that worked out)

I have been busy at work and and on the home front as well. Still working on my Mom's house but making progress. Mr. Maude has been in Knoxville beginning the same process at this brother's house who passed 2 weeks before my Mom. he had no spouse or children so it's up to us to take care of his estate.

hopefully everyone has been safe from the virus. its the same here as it everywhere else, masks are required, schools are not opening but choosing other options for the students/teachers.

the weather has been hot on my end of the porch but cooler this week thankfully. rain/storms are expected this afternoon.

not much excitement or really intersting news from
my end of the porch no guess I will mosey on to work.

Lunch menu: fresh green beans, grilled corn on the cob, grilled chicken, SLAW, yeast rolls. chocolate layer cake for dessert. tea, raspberry lemonade to drink,

prayers and blessings to all
Big Maude

August 06, 2020 - Msg 115072: Morning Porch!

We are slowly losing our cool mornings. Today...just a little bit hotter. Still have the cool breeze, but when it stops, you can feel the heat on your back.

Maude - There you are. Good to see you check in! Virus has been steadily declining here on my section of the porch, but bad news came this morning. A Health care facility worker tested positive for it yesterday and now they're afraid she might have infected people there. So, I got a feeling we are going to go up again.

MDC - I've wondered about our pets being in Heaven too. I get kinda distraught thinking they just died and that's it. You get into that debatable discussion of thinking there HAS to be animals in Heaven! Surely it isn't void of animals. But if you're pets aren't there, WHY aren't they there? Deep Bible discussion there.
My father wears diapers too. I thought he would say No Way to them when he first needed them, but he never blinked. I was lucky.

Boo - It's seeming very clear to me that you need your Mayberry After Midnight column! ;)

LIke Maude, best I mosey off to do some things myself. I have one dog boring a hole thru me and a look like "Hey. maybe?"

Y'all take care, be good, be well and have a fun and wonderful day!

John Masters

August 06, 2020 - Msg 115073: Did any of you see that explosion in Beirut? My God, that looked like a nuclear explosion. If you havent seen it, make sure you do. I've never seen anything like it.
Sad that, last count, it killed 157 people.

John Masters

August 06, 2020 - Msg 115074: Mercy sakes, I was just thinking how nice a Big Maude lunch would be right about now and low and behold... she delivers. With all my favorites even.

Yessiree, it is fresh corn season here at last. I need to go see if my local farmer has his stand up and running.

It looks like about half of my peach tree has done died on me. Must have a bore I suspect. Makes me sad. I hope the other half stays healthy, but if it's a bore, that ain't gonna happen. I guess time will tell.

Boo, come on and tell your stories. Just edit them if need be. And I don't care if they are repeats. Heck, I don't even remember what I had for breakfast. Wait, I didn't have breakfast. No wonder Maude's lunch sounds so tantalizing. Well that and she is a great cook.

I think I'll get some laundry done. Been nursing my back for a few days, sipping lemonade and looking at cloudy women, but enough of that. I need to get at it. Of course it is noon time. And Maude made that nice lunch. I can't hurt her feelings. And then I am gonna need some time after lunch to let things digest. Working on a full stomach can be mighty dangerous. I better be safe and do it tomorrow. The laundry, not the lunch. :)


August 06, 2020 - Msg 115075: Good morning, porch! Well, technically it's Good Afternoon, since it's 12:20. Anyway, howdy, everyone! Loving the stories, and just thought of one you might like.

On the subject of animals in Heaven or not, obviously we have no clear-cut, "here are the facts" of that question. The Bible does not state it as a hard fact, but does make some very suggestive statements. For example, in Romans 8:19-21, it says: For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.

Now, I realize that's open to some interpretation, but it strongly suggests to me that God has made provision for all the wonderful creation He made. Anyway, back to the story - one Sunday morning a group of us were gathered in our Sunday School classroom, with some time to spare before class began. One of the women had just lost her little dog, to age and infirmity, and was heartbroken. I understand that all too well. The situation had sparked a discussion about whether our beloved pets will be in Heaven with us. The consensus was pretty evenly divided, but there was one who was just adamant that there would be no animals in Heaven because "animals don't have souls." She was very determined that she was right and we were wrong. (I guess you have figured out which side I was on.) Well, another class member was just sitting there, saying nothing. She's typically very quiet and shy, and rarely opens her mouth. The discussion flowed, and she listened, then to our surprise, she spoke up, directing her comment to the one who was so sure there would be no animals. "Well, if that's so, then someone needs to inform Jesus, so He can arrange for alternate transportation, because the Bible says in Revelation 19, that when Jesus returns, He will be mounted on a great white horse, and the armies that follow him will be upon white horses." Silence in the room. Shocked look on the face of the dissenter. Then laughter and a few fist-pumps from the animal crowd. Our teacher wiped tears of laughter from her eyes, called us to order, and that was the end of that.

I don't know whether animals will be there or not. My mom told me when I was a child, wondering if my little dog would go to Heaven, that if not having my dog there would make me sad, then she would be there, because no one is sad in Heaven. Simple logic, almost too simple, but lots of room for debate. I have decided that I don't have to know, or to explain, or to prove. All I have to do is trust God, and believe that Heaven is a happy place. I don't have to know all the details. My only responsibility is faith, trust in Jesus, and to know that whatever God has prepared will be just fine.

Well, that was sort of a semi-story, I guess. Still, I have to smile when I think of it, because the "closing argument" was so un-typical of the one who said it, and the silencing of the dissenter was so final. It was one of those moments that you just don't forget.

Well, I need to get a couple of little chores done around here. Blessings, everyone! --Romeena

August 06, 2020 - Msg 115076: Asa, I'm sorry you've got that misery in your back. I know how that is, and definitely sympathize. Have you tried lying in a tub of hot water, or standing in a hot shower? I'm partial to the shower, and have one that has a "massage" setting on it, that does sometimes help the pain in my neck and shoulders. If I run across a good incant, I'll let you know.

Back on the subject of animals, here's something to think about. Did you know that unicorns are mentioned in the Bible? Check out Psalm 29:6 and 92:10. Also, Job 39:9-10 and Numbers 23:22 and 24:8. All mention unicorns. I know they've never been found in the fossil record, but that doesn't mean they never existed. New fossils of creatures never before seen, are found all the time. Interesting, don't you think? I would just love to see a unicorn! Loving horses as I do, seeing one with a beautiful single horn would be a thrill.

That lunch sounds good, Maudie. I love your name, that was my grandmother's name, and it suited her. I love your lunches too! Asa, so your sweet corn is just coming in? Ours is just going out. Sure was good there for a few weeks, though. I love sweet corn! Blessings! --Romeena

August 06, 2020 - Msg 115077: Thanks for lunch, Maude! Glad you are well.

Yes, JM..I need a Mayberry after Midnight column!

Asa, so sorry about your peach tree! That is a shame for sure. I just saw a recipe on YouTube for peach milkshakes. Sure looked good. Sorry about your back, too. I had an interesting experience day before yesterday concerning my back. I had just done my grocery shopping at the little grocery store up the road. I choose that one because its small and I can avoid crowds. I wore my mask and was careful. It was at around 3 in the afternoon so brutally hot outside, too. Well, as I was starting to put my groceries into the back of my suburban, I lifted and twisted somehow and I am not kidding when I say that it felt just like someone hit me hard with a sledge hammer in my lower back! I didn't crumple to the ground but immediately bent over and screamed an expletive. A nice masked man and his little girl were passing and asked if they could help me. Of course I said (with the strength I could muster through the pain), "Uh, no thank you. My back just grabbed up but I will be fine". I managed to straighten up and sit gingerly on the tailgate and wonder how I was going to get home. It really was probably the worst pain I have ever felt but in a few minutes it eased up enough that I could get in the car. I flagged down a very sweet bag boy named Roger who helped me get the rest of my things in the car. The strange thing is that after a little while I was ok. My back has been a little sore for a couple of days but that's about it. I have pulled my lower back before with much less pain and been out flat for days but not this time. Go figure. Im glad it got better because I have had a little stomach bug this week and that's all I need to deal with. I finally ate some soup this afternoon and it isn't setting well with me. Kinda laying on my chest, if you know what I mean. I surely sound like an old f@rt, don't I? Mercy!

Romeena, I like your mom's logic concerning out pets. No one can tell me otherwise and no one can tell me my pup doesn't have a soul. All you have to do is look into those eyes and see the love and that settles it. She'll be with me in the afterlife because she wouldn't have it any other way. :)

Well, best mosey on into the living room and sip on my sprite., feeling a tad puny. I will try and think up a story that I can share safely, Asa. PS- cloudy women??


August 06, 2020 - Msg 115078: Oh, almost forgot to report that according to my nurse friends in Corpus Christi, covid deaths are finally on the decline here.


August 06, 2020 - Msg 115079:

BIG Maude, good to see you! So glad you checked in. Wow, both you and Mr Maude having to do with houses, etc. We have a Living Trust, and that should help make things easier for my
relatives. :)
JM--yes, I saw the clips of that explosion! Wow! If it was an accident, one still has to question why munitions, fireworks and am nitrate were all stored so close together. My goodness. My prayers are with that whole country!
ASA--I was also wondering about the 'cloudy women'. Did I miss a memo? ha
BOO--so sorry to hear of your back issue. I apply a lidocane patch now and then, and my chiropractor also works wonders concerning my aching back!
You and Asa are in my prayers.
Well, I thought of my story from last night: About 30 years ago when the Phoenix Zoo began something called ZooLights at Christmastime, my wife and I decided to go. They had millions of animated lights, some animal scenes, etc, but one thing they did not plan for was restrooms! Sure they had a men's and women's room, but for normal zoo traffic, not for thousands descending upon the paths of the zoo. Anyway, after walking around for a while, we had to use the facilities, and the men's room was not a problem, but there was a long line for the womens'. My poor wife said she couldnt wait, so she put on my big jacket (it went down to mid-thigh, covering her womenly hips) (she was in levis) and she put on my stocking cap, and we walked into the men's room together, spotted an empty stall, and in she went! I stood by it, and when it was time to leave we walked out together! We still talk about it each Christmas! ha (BTW, they still do zoolights, but now have larger restrooms as well as about 30 porta-potties! :)
ROMEENA-thank you for your insights on pets in heaven!
One can also think of Elijah being taken up in a firey chariot! What happened to those horses? ha
A rare afternoon visit for me to the porch. Just had some time today. God bless,

August 06, 2020 - Msg 115080: So, Asa, does the lemonade you've been sipping cause you to see cloudy women? Kinda like the pink elephants Otis saw when he sipped from the flower making machines?

August 06, 2020 - Msg 115081: Oh come you guys. I am doing my impression of Mr. Wheeler. The sipping of lemonade. Him asking Andy if that cloud doesn't look like a woman. I mean it got him out of painting a porch. I am thinking it would get me out of doing laundry.

Boo sorry to hear of your back pain. Hopefully it will stay away.

Romeena, I have found that ice seems to help my pain. But I do let the hot water flow on it when I shower.

Today I became a man. I got a smart phone. It might take me the rest of my life to figure out how to use it. I have only had a flip phone prior to this. I feel so modern and suave now. Lol


August 07, 2020 - Msg 115082:

FLIP PHONES RULE! :) I guess I am the last holdout. It will take a lot to pry this flip phone out of my hand! haha
ASA-- I should have known that 'cloudy women' was TAGS related! i admit, you got us with that one!

August 07, 2020 - Msg 115083: Oh BTW MDC, I loved your bathroom story with you wife. Funny stuff. I bet the same thing goes on today and they don't even try to hide it.


August 07, 2020 - Msg 115084: MDC..You ainít the last one to have a flip phone, I still have mine too!..A Pay as You Go one to boot!...G-F

August 07, 2020 - Msg 115085: Afternoon, folks!

MDC - That restroom story was just classic! Too bad you didn't act that out more. As soon as your wife exited the stall, you should've been like "Ok, Joe..let's head for the lion exhibit, Joe!"And she could've cleared her throat in a low grumble. LOL!

Asa & Boo - Dang back troubles are a big part of MY life. Sometimes I can move just right in an otherwise day and Bang! I bend over and I'm shaped into an S. I have to hit the heating pad and lay flat on my back. Sometimes, it will just ease right out and I'm up and dancing in two hours. Other times...I am twisted like a pretzel and can't hardly move. The really bad thing is, with this virus and my back, I have to be immortal. I CANT get sick or injured because when my Dad falls, my wife cant pick up his dead weight. My sympathies to both of your backs!

I am only 52 and rant about cell phones like an old "get off my grass" codger. Two questions....
1. Do you notice with all this modern technology and kazillions of dollars, they cant make a cell phone that will hold a signal in ANY place or atmosphere? Ever remember of dial and push button phones giving out or cutting signal?

2. Maybe, just maybe, instead of making phones that take pictures, do video, keep a calendar, detect espionage and do your laundry, that could use all the kazillions of dollars spect for that stuff and make stronger towers and phones?
Soapbox back under the porch.

Ok, folks...need to continue the day. Hope you all are having a great day!

John Masters

P.S. Our COVID numbers went up by one in active cases and our quarantine numbers went up by 51!

August 07, 2020 - Msg 115086: they could use all the kazillions of dollars spent^^^


August 07, 2020 - Msg 115087: Good afternoon, porch. Clear and beautiful here today. Just 94į, with a gentle breeze. Not too bad, if you can be in the shade. The sun will bake your brains pretty quickly, if you don't have shade.

MDC, years ago my family and I went to a Cowboys football game, back when they were in the old stadium, which was quite near our house. My husband and our older son were in the group, and at one point, we all ran into the bathroom problem. A very short line at the men's room, an unbelievably long line at the women's room. My husband, our son and a son-in-law solved the problem. They took up a post at the men's room door, "persuaded" incoming men to wait, and when the last man left the room, they admitted the women in our group. A couple of others rode in on our coattails, but most unrelated women hung back, afraid to try it. We all went inside, did our thing and came back out, issued grateful thanks to the men who had waited outside, and all was well. Of course, I guess it helped that Dale was as big as he was - 6'4", about 265 lbs - but the men were gracious about it.

I got a water bill for $318 yesterday. Last month, it was $116. The same period last year was $121. I checked the meter, and it was turning very slowly, even though no water was running anywhere. Obviously, there's a problem. I called my friend Ted, and he came and explored for signs of water. I had a leak beneath the foundation slab several years ago, and I'm so afraid there's another one. However, there is no water to be found, no wet spots on the carpet or anything. He did find a place in the front yard where the grass is greener and thicker, and the soil was damp. It's in a very slightly lower area, so that could explain it, but it's not that much lower, maybe an inch or so. I'm just praying that it's not under the slab, because that's a big mess and quite expensive to fix. The first time, it was under the hallway that serves the three front bedrooms. They jackhammered through the slab, made a hole about two feet across, dug down about two feet or so, and exposed the pipe, which had a pinhole in it. They fixed the leak, put the dirt back, poured new concrete to fill in the hole, and when it was dry, I had to replace the carpet in the hall and three bedrooms, because it had been very wet, the pad was mildewed, and it smelled. It was in the front part of the house, where I might go two weeks or more without entering the area, and it had occurred while I was in Mongolia, so it had lots of time to do damage. I'm hoping it's not going to be under the house this time.

Boo, I hope your back is better by now. Back pain is just so awful. Everything else works from that central area. You can't even pick something up, or raise your arm, or move your leg, without aggravating the pain in your back. Asa, I hope your misery is better too.

Well, I'm trying to find a plumber. Ted said it would be better if I did, because he's not licensed to do what will probably have to be done. The problem is, the plumber I've used for many years has retired, sold his business to someone else, and I've heard that the new owners charge about twice what Mark did. Grrr. Wish me luck!

Blessings, friends. --Romeena

August 07, 2020 - Msg 115088: Romeena, the following web site might interest you.

from Poor Horatio

August 07, 2020 - Msg 115089:

RO--one thing to consider is a solenoid on one of your sprinkler circuits being stuck open just a bit. That happened to me one summer, not enough to notice except when the grass was getting really thick and green in that zone area. Calcium had built up on the spring or something. Just a thought.
Good story about the Cowboys game. When they built our Cardinals stadium here about 12 years ago, one of the big 'sells' for fans to buy season tickets was "plenty of women's restrooms!" Ha!
JM--I hear ya brother about some cell calls! Sometimes it sounds like Alexander Bell himself trying to get thru! Like remember talking louder when we would call long distance?! Actually I still have a landline as well as my cell, and I always use the LL if I can.
Regarding the bathroom story, I guess I could have said "OK, me and
Lefty is breakin' out!" :)
Speaking of TAGS, tonite's ep was Barney and Andy in the big city.
Some good lines in that one:
Barn: I don't look too Ivy League do I? ANDY: Barn, you're in a league all by yourself! Also, a young Artie Johnson played the Hotel clerk.
One thing I've often wondered, who would be 'minding the store' in Mayberry whilst they were away? Also, if Raliegh was only an hour or so away, and the meeting with the commissioner was pretty short, why not just drive home? Very curious.
(To back up my thought, they did drive back after the Esquire Club visit.) Hmmm
Well, have a good evening all.

August 08, 2020 - Msg 115090:

RO--this video may help you too


August 08, 2020 - Msg 115091: That is an interesting question MDC. I never thought about who was minding the store when both Ang and Puddintame were gone.

Romeena, cute story about your bathroom adventure and the gentlemen of Texas. What year was that? Concerning your water situation, MDC suggested something I was also going to suggest. A defective sprinkler valve. I would imagine there is a main valve in your system that you can turn off to isolate the sprkling system. Try turning that off and then check the meter to see if it is still flowing. But maybe you have already done that. I sure hope it isn't under your slab. Not good. Another thing you might check is all your toilets. Sometimes you can have a flapper not seating all the way down and losing some water there. It will often manifest itself by occasionally you will hear the tank do a short refill (depending on what kind of system you have). But it might be (forgive me here, I am trying to be delicate) that with your hearing loss you are not hearing that happen. Or some brands are very quiet to refill and you wouldn't hear it anyway. But I'm sure you all have thought about those things. How about it GF and MDC. Let's get out our coveralls and head on down to Texas and help Romeena out. MDC can dig, GF can repair, and I will sip lemonade and supervise. Oh and I will offer you a running commentary on the various cloud formations I see. You in? Then maybe we sweet talk her into a good old pork chop and mashed tater dinner, just smothered in homemade gravy. I usually don't like my main dish concealed in a heavy sauce, but there are exceptions to that rule. :)

Well all this talk of watching MDC and GF work has got me hungry. Better go see what I can rustle up for breakfast.

Prayers for all.


August 08, 2020 - Msg 115092: One more thing Romeena, you can add a little food coloring into you toilet tank after a flush and it has refilled. Keep checking the water in the toilet for an hour or so to see if it has changed color.



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This version of The Taylor's Front Porch has been created to pay our respect to the original porch found on Thanks to Frank for all the work he did for Mayberry on the web. We've tried to make this just like Frank's Porch. This is also a tribute to Ollie's "Trivialities" site which was another homage to Frank's porch but is no longer with us.